Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
