yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
