you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
