I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
