OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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