90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
