TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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