Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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