we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Your penis caused this!
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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