positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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