I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
