after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
