I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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