I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Soap is not a condiment
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
