Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
