I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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