She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
