My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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