Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
