I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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