Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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