I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
