So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We are two peas in an std pod
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
