So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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