The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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