I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
