Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
