she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
