Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
