Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
