hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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