i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
