I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
