So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
