That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
