You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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