I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
