girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
its liver damage thursday
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
