He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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