Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
