I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
