My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
