Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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