Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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