yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
