I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
