theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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