Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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