You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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