neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
