took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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