I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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