why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
