my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
the room spins SO much faster in panama
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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