Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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