I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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