He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
